In a personal sense, I've learned so much and woke me up a lot of times.
Happiness, sadness, doubt and confusion were all in me.
Sometimes, I dont even think I can handle a day or so.
But I kept my head up and kept going.
This blog post is much different than what I have posted on Tumblr.
On that one, I explained the events over the year.
On this particular post, I will explain what I've gone through this year mentally and emotionally.
January;
I get the new schedule for second semester and go to all my new classes. Same teachers, maybe different classmates is all. Sixth period Algebra 2 came in and I saw someone. Turns out, we're now in the same class. I was surprised at first. But I soon realized I was actually happy. I can see her in front of me in class. We talked once because she asked for my help on a quiz. It was very short, but we were able to talk. I remembered when I had to pass by her but the aisle was very narrow and one had to scoot up. We also had a short conversation and hitting paper to each other as if we knew each other well.
But in actuality, we didn't even know each other at all.
At the end of the month, the badminton information meeting happened after school. I remember both of us went and because of another friend, I was able to know.
All I just knew, the next day, you started talking to me. You even complimented my shirt! From there, I was just happy. I know we're going to be friends.
February;
You see, this was a great month for me. This is the month when we became friends. I remembered getting off the bus and I started talking to you. I told you that we've been talking a lot lately but we never seem to know each others names. I asked for your name And as you tell me your name, I responded "Christian, pleased to meet you." Complete with a handshake. From there, I was happier than I can imagine. I mean, we're finally friends! What else can I ask for? I remember that same day, I had to stay in my Spanish class during lunch due to a test. I got out and I saw you! You complimented on my shoes and I asked why you were on that side of the campus? It's funny how you got caught chewing gum. :]]. But we ended up walking together to our respective group of friends. It's very weird in a sense though. The day we became friends is also the day I walked with you alone for the first time. Can I be more happy or what? Trust me, February 6th, 2009 was one of the best days in my life. Really. It made me smile and gave me hope.
OH! Badminton tryouts! We started talking more during those times. Heck, we even played together and talking about what we got for that Math quiz at the same time! Just how nerdy we are, huh? It's quite amazing how you noticed that I always look very sleepy. Like I'm not sleepy at all but I look like it! Unfortunately, I didn't make the cut. I missed the chance to get to know you more. I was...devastated. I thought we would be closer friends if I made the team. But oh well, I still wrote you a letter of congratulations, right? xD.
March;
Oh, March. This was quite a quick month. I don't remember much of it. All I remembered was I stayed one time at badminton practice just lying around and you would appear out of nowhere asking what I was doing when I'm simply doing Spanish homework. Spring Break happened on that month, too. So we didn't see each other for two weeks and I was pretty sad. But so many things happened during break that I just have to tell you about it! I just hoped you'll listen and everything.
April;
This month was very interesting for me and for both of us. We came back from break around late March and I started telling you about my spring break. I told you so many things but it kept getting interrupted because of the bell or anything. What I liked about though is you listened to everything I said. No one has done that to me before but you. I was very happy when you pretty much looked forward me telling you something! :]]. Even though it took me more than 3 weeks telling you what I did over spring break, it was just fun telling you. That month too is when I stayed in the badminton games at least once a week. We would talk about random things while you're resting or just hanging around! The best thing? We get to know each other! And I met your little sister! She's so adorable! xD. It was also the month when we started talking a lot; more than what I imagined. But I became sad all of a sudden when I heard that you're going to the prom with someone. I was so happy here and there. All of a sudden, it turned upside down and I didn't know what to do. I was...scared. Despite that, I wanted to make you happy! So with the help of my friend, I made a sign just for you! Simple words of encouragement. When I showed it to you, you liked it. And I was...happy. I mean, someone appreciated what I made. I spent a lot of time on that and I'm just glad you liked it.
But again, I started getting more worried and scared. I don't know why.
May;
As prom gets closer and closer, I get more worried and scared. I'm afraid that we won't be friends anymore if anything happened to you and your date. Assumptions, fear, and everything negative is what I felt. It was very tough for me. Like, those what if's and all of that. I was just...scared. We didn't talk for a whole week because of my fears. I thought I'm being a bother and I just didn't..talk. But I had no choice but to be happy for you and your date on prom night. I'm sure you were happy and that's all I want you to be. As chiche as it sounds, because when you're happy, I'm happy. I just can't do anything but to smile for you...even though I'm crying inside.
On the brightside, before those and maybe after all of that happened. We were still able to talk. I remember walking with you to your ride because your best friend//classmate was sick for a few days and you had no one to walk with. So I took that opportunity to walk with you. As always, we talked about random things. Just walking with you felt great. I saw your litle sister and your mom once again! This time, you introduced me to your mom. I'm glad that she was nice to me. I thought I would get killed because I'm a guy xD. And to your little sister, she still adorable! :]. For those two days walking you to your ride, it was great! Because I know that won't happen again so I had to make the most out of it.
OH! Remember when I stayed up all night finishing up that 96-Question Algebra 2 review early so you could copy it? Yeah, it was crazy when I did that. But I tried anything I can do just to help you. I remembered you had lower grades than me in Math that I felt that I just have to help you. At first you didnt want to take it because you told me it was too much. But I did it because of you and I had to tell you multiple times until you took all of it! ;]. Despite getting very tired after doing all of those, it was all worth it. Because I know I did what I can do to help you.
June;
This month was filled so many great memories! The final weeks of school were just there. We talked for the longest time in class when we had that block schedule. Just everything we can think of, I had fun just being with you. I told you that I trust you completely and told you my biggest fear. I didn't mention any names, but that problem involves you. That whole problem about losing you as a friend. But of course, I didnt mention you so I just said it was someone close to me. But despite that, I still kept a smiling face. I fixed your iPod touch over that one weekend too! It was fun messing with your iPod! I customized it so its for you but I pretty much made it look like my iPod! But I was glad you liked it! The last day of school, we hung out before class for the last time. It was just us and two other friends. I can't believe it was the last time we're going to do that. Because it won't come back anymore =[. Well, we finally headed to class and took the last Final. We both finished early and signed each others yearbooks. I promised myself not to read what you wrote until I get back home because I want it to be fresh and be happy to be reading it!
Well, school finally ended and we were all happy! I started hugging everybody and then I asked if I can hug you. And we did. You give the best and softest hugs! I held you for so long that I don't even remember how long we hugged! You know, I was tearing up a little. Not because I'll be sad that I won't see you in a long time. But I was...happy! I was happy that we actually became this close for a short amount of time. And that's extraordinary. I told you that I'm going to miss you and you told me that you're going to miss me, too. I told you not to forget my souvenir when you go to Thailand and Indonesia, you said you wont. When I let go, we were both smiling. I then pinched your cheek! :D. You have the softest cheeks! It's so cute! :]]. Then you pinched mine! xD. And then we hugged for the second time! It was a very long one again. :]. But I know I have to let go and say "bye" in a long time. I know I will see you anytime soon but I will still miss you, so I walked away with a smile on my face and tears on my eyes.
On a random summer day, I called you. I told you that I was updating you what has happened, like me going to the Grand Canyon. I told you that I miss you and I was so happy to hear "Miss you too!" over the phone. Those three words made my day, really. And I carried that with me just so I will stay happy.
I thought things will get better. Until I found out that you're going out with the person you like. That same person who took you to prom. That person you always talk to me about all the time. Now what I've been afraid of over these times have finally surfaced; The fact that I'm afraid of losing friendships because you now have a significant other. I now feel that it's impossible for us to be friends. That you'll just drift away from me and I can't do anything but to see you moving farther and farther. I dont want that to happen.
I still miss you, but I know we'll see each other soon.
So I held on.
July;
Since the beginning of summer, I wanted to hang out with you. Just so I can tell you everything. I wanted to plan it out. I know that will make my whole summer worthwhile. But I was too late. I found out that you already left for vacation overseas for a whole month. I asked if we could hang out just a couple of days after you left. I was too late. If only I asked a few days earlier, what would happen? At least I could have said my best wishes to your vacation! But...it never happened so I have no idea. I was too late. I was very devastated and upset. I wasn't able to smile or do anything for a few days. I thought the chances of hanging out with you is close to impossible now. All I could do was to wait to find out. I waited for a whole month.
I miss you more than what I thought but,
All I could do is to wait.
August;
This was quite surprising. I didn't expect to see you on the day when we pick up our schedules and textbooks. I saw you from far away. I'm just glad that you came back safe and sound. I was just happy to know that. I finally asked you if we could hang out before school starts. But you had to go to the beach instead. From there, I was just...upset once again. I waited for a whole month just to hope that we could hang out. Only to realize, you still have other plans and I'm still too late. There, I ended my summer not hanging out with you. And it was quite a disappointment to myself.
The first day of school, we didn't see each other until the very end of the school day. But at least I still saw you. I gave you a hug, and told you I missed you. We were able to talk for a few minutes...only to know that we have to go to our class. But hey, I was happy to see you again! Maybe we didn't hang out, but seeing you made it all up.
Over the first weeks of school, we would talk here and there, just like before.
But as time passes,
I know something is going to disappear.
September;
Now I start to feel it. We weren't talking as much anymore. Heck, I don't even see you that much, as well. As stubborn as I am, I dont want to say that we're drifting apart. I just think about it as we're both busy with school and our personal lives. Once in a while, we would have a good talk...only to expect a long time in silence and not seeing each other. I remembered walking with you, though. Walking with you to your practice, carrying your tennis bag, catching up with everything a little bit...made me happy. I'm sure everything we do together makes me happy. But feeling that after a long time that we haven't spoken a word to each other or met eyes, it's quite hard but rewarding that I'm finally smiling.
Once in a while,
I will smile. That's because it came from you.
A genuine smile, because you're the only one who can give that to me.
October;
This month, it was your birthday. The 17th of October. I stayed up all night folding two origami bunnies and writing a birthday note. I decided to write a more sincere note inside one of the bunnies. I originally put it there and not tell you about it so it's up to you if you find out about it and read it. But I just gave you a small hint and actually read it. I dont know what you thought about the note. I would like to know, but I don't.
You told me you loved the bunnies that I folded. I'm glad. It's been a long time since I folded those. Just the memories behind the origami is just there. How I taught you how to fold it months ago, and thanking me to teach you something new.
That month was for you to celebrate.
I'm glad my present made you happy.
Because it sure did the same thing to me.
November;
Now now, this was a very quick month. Not much happened over this month. Maybe the occasional "hi", wave and high fives during passing period. And still...the fear of losing friendships. Schoolwork made me occupied and acted as a distraction to what I've been feeling about our seemingly-drifting friendship. I dont want to think we're drifting, we're just busy. And I know it's an excuse. But as soon as I finally finish all my schoolwork, reality kicks in again. It hurts, but I have to deal with it. If I strongly feel about this friendship, I must hold onto it no matter what.
We were able to talk during Thanksgiving break. I mentioned the hang out briefly and I'm glad you still remembered! Simple things like that make my whole emotional structure stable again.
I'm still grateful that we became friends.
And I'm holding onto it no matter what.
December;
This month, it was my birthday. We bumped into each other and we talked for a little bit. I'm glad you remembered my birthday. You told me if I'm doing anything, or want to do anything, I should tell you. So I thought of what to do for my birthday as that's the only way we can hang out for now. We ended up eating out at a pizza shoppe. We were able to catch up more than I expected. Just being with you....was great. :]. I also told you a bit of what I'm going to tell you when we actually meet up at the park. I couldn't tell you at the restaurant. I have to tell you at the park. When there's no one there and I can tell you everything without hesitation.
Reality striked again, though. The few weeks before Finals, we didnt talk for a long time again just like how it was for the past months. It's really...depressing. I didn't even get to see you and tell you to have an awesome winter break after Finals.
Now that it's winter break. I'm just waiting for a great day for us to meet up. I think it will happen in January, but it doesn't matter anymore. As long as we see each other and tell you everything, that's all what matters to me. Nothing else, just truth to be spoken and everything. I hope we meet up, though.
This year, I met you.
We've became so close over the course of a few months.
I know I can trust you completely.
You have my trust, and we formed bonds to each other.
A genuine smile and happiness only you can give me.
But you also gave me a lot of fear and sadness.
Despite all of that.
You truly are, my only best friend.
Hopefully, we can make this friendship much better next year.
I hope you'll be able to trust me.
I hope you'll also put effort to it as much as I put everything I can.
Because I care.
I miss you.
I really want to see you.
To make this friendship better.
I need you.
I love you, my best friend.
//Christian.
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